Spit Spoof: Wildlife Receives an Oil Change

Cayetana Jaramillo, Opinion Editor

This article is purely satirical. None of the information posted is factual.

Everyone needs a pampering session once in a while. Even nature’s finest creations require the occasional sprucing or satisfying luxuries of a much-needed treatment. On Aug. 29, Hurricane Ida’s severe winds and storms passed through several oil and gas hubs in Belle Chasse, LA. Consequently, a rainbow film covered the Gulf Coast’s shores and wildlife. Hardworking sea turtles, brown pelicans and blue crabs finally received the hydrating oil treatment they deserve. 

Since the inception of the oil industry in the mid-19th century, humans and mother nature alike have witnessed the effects of drilling into the Earth. Oil spills leave a glimmering sheen on the tops of turtles’ shells and moisturize the tips of birds’ feathers. The black tar nestles perfectly in the folds of every creature’s eyes and mouth. 

The greater New Orleans area, including Belle Chasse, encompasses over 120,000 miles of oil pipelines. Louisiana’s extensive pipeline industry faces constant threats as a result of incoming tropical storms and hurricanes off the Gulf Coast. In most cases, damaged, unattended oil rigs remain susceptible to leaks and spillage into the ocean, marshes and nearby fields. 

The Louisiana Department of Wildlife and Fisheries reported hundreds of ducks and egret species bathing between pockets of rich nourishing oils. Subsequent species, including alligators and river otters, have been found pampering themselves beside oily pipes that read “A & F.” For decades, people have marveled at the magic black liquid that powers the world now found rejuvenating the lungs of mother nature’s creations. 

The U.S. Coast Guard continues to investigate over 350 oil spills caused by Hurricane Ida in coordination with local and regional officials. Environmental leaders predict the effects of the oil spill include increased life expectancy among all affected species, balanced ocean pH levels and purified air measurements. 

People can expect future analysis on further treatment plans for all plants and animals in the upcoming months. In the advent of more frequent and intense natural disasters, all forms of life are bound to continue thriving.