Spit Spoof: New USPS Owl Service

Cayetana Jaramillo, Opinion Editor

This article is purely satirical. None of the information posted is factual.

The U.S. Postal Service announced earlier this month that they will be changing their delivery services and pricing for the upcoming holiday months. Transportation services will transition away from ground delivery services to airborne delivery mail packages. The new service standards replace the majority of USPS trucks with owls. Fluffy white snowy owls will spot the sky as they transport all mail and package deliveries for the remainder of the year. As part of their 10-year plan, these changes will account for increases in delivery prices and slower transportation rates. 

The months of October, November and December entail the highest package delivery rates every year. This new investment strategy means increasing prices to train future delivery vehicles and pioneer a new wave of technological advancements in delivery services. These snowy owls present their own additional costs including food, sticks for shelter and water. 

The procedure is as follows: a snowy owl will arrive at each mailbox and take flight with a package or letter in their beak. A new technology developed by USPS technicians then tracks the flight pattern of each owl and sends the recipient a tracking app similar to the technology used today — except this sensor measures the breaks taken by the owl and food source levels. 

As the holidays near, slower delivery rates and pricing must be accounted for as we ship gifts for our friends and families. A new era of delivery service is upon us. Make sure to keep an eye out for your packages in the upcoming months as they begin to take flight.