Friends, Romans, countrymen, you have lent me your ears for the duration of the 2010-2011 school year. Rather, you lent me your eyes, for you have not heard the majesty of my vocal range, but I digress. As in life, all good things must come to an end, and Illiterazzi is no exception. By employing my fallacious logic, in which I compare one thing to whatever immediately precedes it, I am much like Oprah Winfrey. She just concluded her twenty-fifth season May 24, and I am now concluding my first and final year of Illiterazzi; clearly the breadth and influence of our work are directly comparable.

However, she spent her final episode endlessly rambling, without any guest, in a most self-indulgent fashion. Humble as always, I will not do that to you, dear readers. My finale contains actual substance.

Name: Donald Trump. Position: real-estate tycoon, reality television host, pseudo politician. Weary of choosing yet another political figure (literacy should be nonpartisan), I looked into many other worthy candidates to be featured in the last-ever Illiterazzi. Despite Trump’s recent bouts of self-serving pontification, I did not want to step on any Republicans’ toes. That is, until I remembered that The Donald is no more a political figure than Schwarzenegger is faithful. Like Seth Meyers said at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, “Donald Trump has said he’s running for president as a Republican– which is surprising because I thought he was running as a joke.”

At least Trump came to his senses and dropped out of the presidential race; but not without his signature overconfident, Queens street-tough, garrulous speech, complete with a side of contradiction. In an attempt to graciously thank his (supposed) countless supporters, he stated,

“My gratitude for your faith and trust in me could never be expressed properly in words. So, I make you this promise: that I will continue to voice my opinions loudly…”

For a man of many, many, words, The Donald could not think of anything to say to thank the scores of people who eschewed logic and reason purely for his political gain. His compromise for not appropriately showing his appreciation is to flap his gab often, but later. Oh, and loudly. His statement is grammatically sound, and the released speech has been spell-checked, but syntactically, he made himself sound paradoxical and egotistical. In one line he went from speechless to sonorous.

So, my dear and loyal readers, the space in my little grey box can hold no more of my genius, but as my likeness, Oprah, said, “I won’t say goodbye. I’ll just say: ‘Until we meet again.’”