10 reasons why President Obama didn’t come to Palmetto

Jared Heller, Managing and Design Editor

Last Friday, Air Force One flew past Palmetto and President Barack Obama visited Coral Reef. Why did Obama go to Reef instead?

  1. Strict school dress code – That fancy suit is a no go here. Sorry Mr. President, we will need you to get in line with the other 85 violators and await your detention slip. Oh, you have a uniform waiver? Well, it is a shame your lanyard ID was not around your neck, we confused you with another president.
  2. Noxious fumes – The secret service could not figure out how to protect the President from the dead cat smell. This permeating stench from the cat dissection that has penetrated our school would have made the president heave.
  3. Locked out – Even though you may have arrived before the bell rang, we would have to lock you out Mr. President. It is policy here that we chain up the gates early. Walk around the front and get your tardy pass.
  4. Locked in – Even though you might have been ready to leave Mr. Obama, it’s 2:20, the gates are still locked, and the security guards are MIA with the keys. Looks like you would have to stay a bit longer than anticipated.
  5. Yellow water – Our rusted water would have set off every metal detector the secret service sent in for security. Someone please hook it up with some Brita filters.
  6. The Pride has not been planted – Too bad the school only looks decent for a single month out of the entire year. Loads of kids show up to Plant the Pride, yet it only takes a handful (not of mulch) to undo all the hard work. Give us some warning next time Mr. President, so we can plant our pride sooner.
  7. No pool for polo – When the secret service was scouting out venues for the President’s visit, they observed the water polo team doing dry land drills and got scared off. Confused by what they saw (a bunch of guys in speedos running around the field pretending to swim), they felt it was not safe for the President.
  8. Yearbook Sale – President Obama wouldn’t have had enough time to eat his Michelle Obama school-approved lunch, socialize with his friends and wait in line to buy a yearbook (they are going fast! Room 911B), all in thirty minutes.
  9. Automated Voice Messaging System (AKA the always exciting Nerenberg news) – President Obama was afraid if he came to our school he would have been added to the call list and the White House wouldn’t know how to get off of it.
  10. Mascot Envy- Mr Obama felt bad for the Reef and their pathetic barracuda. He figured they needed the confidence boost. Panthers-1? Barracudas-0
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