As much as I would love to cover the candidates in the upcoming elections, I cannot find a blemish on their linguistic records. While one sends out e-mails of a woman having sex with a horse, another questions evolution because monkeys don’t mutate into humans before our very eyes, and still another condemns illegal immigration while employing an illegal immigrant as a long-term housekeeper. Nonetheless, I can find little fault in terms of their use of the English language.
So, I shall turn to the next largest issue gripping our nation: the NBA season. For some, I do realize, the Miami Thrice actually outshines Kendrick Meek. But I will not sully Miami’s heroes; I am afraid that such a blow to their academic egos from such an expert critic as myself could harm their chances at championship. Thus, I shall sully a Heat-deserter: Shaq.
Shaquille O’Neal is one of the biggest (no pun intended) basketball superstars of our time. He has it all —a great career, riches, custom Nikes to fit his Goliath feet—but what he lacks is spell check.
Twitter is not the medium for articulate spiels and cogent arguments, and obviously Internet lingo is to be expected. But Shaq has taken it to a whole new level. Please look at Shaq’s post on October 11 to support his friend on ABC’s Dancing With the Stars:
“Vote for my boy rick fox on dancing wit da stars he’s jammin like a mug out there call 8008683404 hey rick, u need more hair jel bro lol”
Come again? It actually took me a second read-through to fully comprehend this (although I still have absolutely no clue what it means to “jam like a mug”). There’s something to be said for originality, but “jel”? What could possibly be the rationale for taking one perfectly clear, three-letter word and replacing it with a three-letter word that makes you look like an idiot?
Plainly, no one expects NBA players to be Rhodes Scholars, but he really couldn’t spell gel? I truly believe in my heart of hearts (although I would never wish such an assumption upon anyone) that Shaq honestly thought that gel is spelled with a j. It’s the only possible explanation.
Additionally, “dancing wit da stars”? Why, Shaq, why? What I find the most puzzling is the way in which he incorporated nonsense into this easily-spelled title. “Dancing” was spelled out just fine; however, “with” was bastardized to “wit,” and “the” to “da.” He took the two smallest, easiest words, made them illiterate, but left the others alone. Riddle me that, Kazaam.
Apparently the only thing Shaq needs to work on more than his free throws is his English.